Here is the thing. I am a private person. I also own a small business in a conservative part of Virginia, and while I am sure that none of my clients would be at all shocked to know how I view the world, we don't discuss it. But I also really like to write. And these are crazy times right now, ya know? So I put things on my facebook page (random musings about a variety of topics ranging from dog training, to life around here, to life with my husband, dogs, horses, and whatever happened to make me laugh that day). It's mainly my for own therapy--it makes me laugh. We need more laughter. But people keep telling me to make stuff public, write a book (seriously? how much free time do people think I have???), write a blog, etc. They have been telling me to do this for YEARS. Also, I like the idea of not having this stuff directly on my own private facebook (did I mention that I am also a private person?). Anyhow, here is the deal. When I find something that makes me laugh, and that I want to share with the crowd (<cough> 3? </cough>) of people that might be interested, I will post it here first. Ok? Ok. But please try to remember that much of the stuff that percolates around within (and often escapes) my brain is inappropriate and mildly offensive (then again, if you are here because you found me via a friend of a friend of a friend that linked to my Patriarchy Peens Pic, well...make yourself right at home. You belong here.).
Random facts about me in no particular order: I am a cis white female. I was raised in Virginia. I drink sweet tea and bless peoples' hearts (always sarcastically, because honestly, have you ever heard that phrase used any other way?). I don't like grits, not even covered with butter and syrup. I own a bunch of dogs, mostly American Staffordshire Terriers, but also one Staffordshire Bull Terrier, one Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever, and one Border Collie. I compete with my dogs, mainly in conformation, obedience, rally, and barn hunt. I train dogs professionally. I also own two horses. One is a very retired thoroughbred ex-racehorse. He's not very bright, but he is very very sweet. He spends his days roaming the pasture with the other geldings at the barn, spooking at random things (like deer, the other geldings, leaves, and the ledge that he has to step over to enter his stall). The other is an Arabian. He is kind of a dick, but I love him anyways. He is in his own private paddock because he picks on every other gelding in the herd. He is very smart, talented, can be very sweet (to humans...most of the time), and is absolutely beautiful. He also knows when he's getting his picture taken, and he poses. I'm not even kidding. He practically duckfaces like Zoolander. He is a handful. I adore him. I am married to an amazing guy that puts up with my crap. I have a grown up son that...also puts up with my crap. Both dish it back in equal measure. I love red wine, pumpkin spice lattes, and tacos.
Anyways, here is the post that started the whole Army of Peen thing:
So...I bought a thing. Well...a few things. Wine was involved. So was Amazon Prime.Ok, see, on Monday I faced Jabba the Hut in court. I was brave and awesome. It was very very stressful. I came home and celebrated by opening a lovely bottle of wine and settling in for an evening on the internets. As one does. I'm pretty sure that, had Princess Leia had access to Amazon Prime and a bottle of Coopers Norton Reserve, this is how she would have celebrated too (probably after throwing that uncomfortable brass bikini out the nearest airlock).And in puttering around, I came across this little penis shaped stress toy. I believe one of my friends shared it with me a few months ago, and I was amused, and I put it on my wish list of oddities (note, if you ever find my Amazon wish list, please be aware that I don't actually WANT all of the things on it. It's just where I put things that amuse me.) And one thing led to another, and I purchased one. It was about $10, which is steep, but, well, penis shaped squishy stress balls are probably worth every bit of that. I did consider getting a couple of them (because I thought a few of my friends ALSO needed penis shaped stress ball toys), but I just ordered the little guy and called it a night.On Wednesday, my Alexa started alerting me that Amazon had a package arriving today, including 1 pack of 12 squishy toys. And sure enough, what I purchased, and what arrived, for $10 was literally 12 penis shaped squishies. Folks, I now have an army of penises. penii? penis pluralus? A phallic force? A full richard of dicks?However, our mail is delivered late in the afternoon, and on Wednesdays, I spend my evenings teaching puppies how to Puppy, and have an Intermediate class (teaching dogs how to dog). Needless to say, I did not have time to address the platoon of tiny peen on my counter. So I left them there, all individually wrapped in their penile glory, for my saint of a husband to find. He did not ask any questions. I love him very much.One now lives on my Echo speaker in the living room. I think the others will find homes amongst my unsuspecting (well, they WERE unsuspecting...I doubt they fit that description anymore) friends. And perhaps some relatives. Because really, who doesn't need an adorable little stress penis in their life?
Aaaand, here is the post/picture from a few days later that...keeps...growing...:
Remember those 12 little penis dudes that I accidentally bought last week? I was trying to think of something to do with them when my gaze fell across my beloved RBG action figure. And this happened. And I am quite pleased with it. #notoriousRBG #dingdings #smashthepatriarchy
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